There is really only one thing that needs to be discussed after last night's Oscars show. And that, is John Travolta. From henceforth and forevermore, when someone does something botched beyond repair and or hilariously creepy it shall be known across all platforms as "pulling a Travolta". If someone is victimized by this act, we will simply say, "they were Travoltafied".
Scarlet Johansson was his first victim of the night: All I could think of was the quote from Dumb and Dumber: "You gave my dead bird to a blind kid???"
Pretty Bird, Pretty Bird!
If you recall last year, Idina Menzel was Travoltafied when he presented her to sing "let it go" and called her by his own made up name, Adele Dezeem:
So this year, to repair the damage, Idina and John were paired together again - and in an effort to smooth over his awkwardness - John opted for repeated touching of Idina's face:
To top off the night, this image was captured of John Travolta giving poor unsuspecting Benedict Cumberbatch the creepy side eye half smile:
Its like hes thinking, "Im going to convert you to Scientology, Bandersnatch Cumberdick"
SO just to recap: First John kissed a very terrified and wax looking Scar-jo, then he gently fondled Adele's cheek, and finally he tried to snatch Benedicts unsuspecting Cumber.
Oh man. It was a good time indeed.
So besides Travolta getting handsy with just about everyone last night...there were a few other mentionable moments:
We all went GAGA for Lady Gaga's Sound Of Music Tribute:
Which was a nice shock, after seeing her arrive to walk the red carpet in this strange and terrifying "dish pan hands" ensemble:
Neil Patrick Harris made an appearance in his tighty- whiteys - for no apparent reason, which I have censored to protect the eyes of the innocent:
Rosamund Pike was a stunner in her AMAZING red Givenchy gown. And then she turned around and I saw that she had shocked me with her deviant behavior and pulled a Sinead O'Rebellion by shaving the bottom of her head! HOW had I not known this had happened?? Although I suppose when you are Gone Girl and have been known to keep secret journals full of incriminating information and accidentally kill boys with box cutters....you can pretty much do whatever you want to your hair.
I would be insane if I failed to insert some more horrifying and totally true pictures of Scarlet Johannson right now:
She too, came in like a wrecking ball. So what say you? Are you brave enough to follow the shaved head trend??? And what did you think of her Jade green dress and waterfall necklace? I made this image to sum up my feelings:
Another mention-able hairdo (or lack thereof) was spotted on Ms. Dakota Johnson who knocked us all out with her GORGEOUS red custom made Yves Saint Laurent gown: and yet...couldnt break out of her handcuffs in Mr. Greys secret torture chambers long enough to do anything with her hair. Instead opting for a mysteriously drab Ponytail.
Can we all collectively agree right here, right now - that Faith Hill is year's BEST accessorized??? She brought her A- game with the worlds chicest pixie cut - and heart be still - look at the man that came with her. I want that necklace, those earrings, her hairstyle, and Tim McGraw too. What a genetically gifted power couple!
Another highlight was best supporting actress winner Patricia Arquette's acceptance speech calling out for wage equality for women in America! Anytime you get Meryl Streep on her feet shouting and fist pumping in the air with her approval - you know you did good. Also please admire Jennifer Lopez's confused face.... wage equality? what's wage equality? Did she say ALIMONY?
Although roughly 3 seconds later she too was cheering on her feet - because in Hollywood, when in doubt...do what Meryl is doing.
Speaking of Jennifer Lopez I was SO excited that she decided to wear something totally different from her norm this year!
oops, my mistake. She wore EXACTLY the same boobs as all the other years...
I dont even understand what has been going on with the Jennifers lately - But here is Ms. Aniston donning yet another tired, boring, skin colored, slipdress. I feel like she is still trying to be Rachel Green who works at Ralph Lauren. For pete's sake I think if she showed up in something with even a little bit of color or volume - or heaven forbid - if a curling iron ever made contact with her boring hair - I WOULD FALL OVER AND DIE.
Now on to my FAVORITE looks of the night!!! Lets begin with my favorite person on the planet (well besides Mindy Kaling) the adorably Chartreuse Emma Stone: This dress! I love it so. Just look at the back!!! And feast your eyes on the Tiffanys cuffs. Her sideswept finger waved hair and red red lips were the perfect finishing touch!
Apparently Emma had a slight wardrobe malfunction and flashed her nude undies on the Red Carpet, while fixing the train of her Elie Saab stunner. The funny part is - it just makes me love her more. Because hello - at least she had ON underwear!
Next up: The impeccable Cate Blanchett
I am OBSESSED with this turquoise bib necklace from Tiffanys. WHY don't I have a spare couple hundred thousand dollars laying around!! I hope a knock off surfaces soon...
Namoi Watts is a personal favorite no matter what she has on. She always goes for something slightly edgy - and I love this Armani Prive gown and her wine stained lips.
Felicity Jones won my undying love and devotion the second I watched her in The Theory Of Everything. And I am SMITTEN with this Dove Gray gown (Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen) that captured a good ol Hollywood feel. And her darling updo, with her humble slightly embarrassed British way about her - she very nearly made me cry when she hugged Eddie Redmayne when he won the Oscar.
Here are a few of the white dresses that made you feel confused lined up in a single photo:
Besides lady Gagas dress (which so clearly is not even remotely able to be taken seriously) I was 50/50 on these looks. Julianne Moore was polished and ravishing, but I didnt love the dropped waste flower jewel thingies that embellished her dress. Reese Witherspoon looked sleek yet in need of a garment steamer - and a hairstylist (and some bangs). Lupita Nyong'o has a killer body and looks SENSATIONAL in white, but all the crazy beading and hawaiian feeling neckline made me give her dress one thumb down.
I've saved the worst for last. Keira Knightly.
Her crazy dress is written in french but don't worry - I happen to be fluent in regret and so I will translate it for you: I am outdated and unflattering and sprinkled with shiny coral and sea foam flowers that glimmer in the night like dental office wallpaper. Also: Scalloped bodice.
If your eyes are burning like mine, then feast upon Anna Kendrick's perfection. She can take the sting out of just about anything Keira Knightly can put out there:
I hope you enjoyed the Oscars as much as I did! Let me know who your favorites were and all the moments you loved the best! I literally ate myself into a coma last night and am paying a hefty price today. Im off to eat lettuce and drink water and throw away about 300 cupcake wrappers.